I expect to meet obstacles as I navigate through life but I’m beginning to realise that everything I thought I would face is different to what reality offers up. I once anticipated angry faces full of jagged words with the sole intention of making life hard for me. I imagined that I could see them for what they were and steer well clear of them. I never expected them to wear smiles and feel as welcoming as they did.
I have met my fair share of battles and have braved through every conflict. It's easy to ready myself for war when the world wields malice and bad intention in the folds of its face.
The obstacles that caused the most confusion for me were the comforts I willingly enjoyed when I thought there was not harm to be done in holding them closely.
The cigarettes and less than kosher exploits into Saturday night were my best friends. The spoonfuls of everything bad for my soul were the delicacies I'd enjoy. Holding them up against the ever-changing picture of what I was hoping to head into as far as life and passion goes, raised questions on top of question, and I began to feel uncomfortable where my comfort lived.
It's bad enough I am having these conversations with myself, the added pressure of peers became a confusing flare of reason and retaliation. Pitting two pictures of myself against each other is a group activity I'd rather avoid, but in private, I have the responsibility to play it carefully and address the schism. We have ideas about what we want because it is there in front of us, convenient vices, what we need remains hidden in the quiet promises we make to be the best versions of ourselves.
The thought of killing who we are today to even catch a glimpse of this 'best self' seems too tall a task.
No one likes to be alone and this idea of loneliness as the price of unpromised future keeps many toe-ing some line between settling and setting in to the fact that nothing happens by accident.
My biggest obstacle and I have regular dates now. 6am in the morning I wake up and look him dead in the eye, fix my face & teeth, and forgo negotiations hoping one of us gives way. One of us has to leave that room and battle the facades I've worked a life time to build, the other one pops up once in a while to poke questions into habits forged out of comfort more than conviction. I've learned that obstacles are elements in the world around us, they are also elements in the world inside us. If you know where you're heading, or maybe just clue of the life you deserve, take stoke of those habits and value sets and save yourself a few unnecessary obstacles.